Looking Back

It's pretty humorous to look back on my blog posts. I can be just a tad bit dramatic LOL.

Life is good, friends.

This past year was full of up's and down's. I made poor decisions in drinking, the boys I talked to, and people I spent my time with. Saying I was depressed was an understatement. I started treating my body really poorly and didn't really care about the consequences.

Going into the year, I followed the motto of "finding myself." This lead me to breaking away from Christianity and the provisions that were set in place to keep me safe. I wanted to be fun and experience new things. I wanted a boy to notice me and care for me. I wanted freedom. Surprisingly, none of that happened.

Instead of experiencing joy and a sense of freedom, I was trapped in depression, bitterness, and apathy. The rules of Christianity that I once thought were confining me were actually the things keeping me safe.

After many people planting seeds and showing me Christ, I reached a place where my heart was open to change. I don't WANT the things of this world. The partying and boys don't give me the joy or satisfaction, only Christ can do that.

Praise Jesus for redeeming me and bringing me out of a place of darkness.

That's my little testimony for now. Excited to see what this year holds and the way that Christ will continue to refine me.

recommit

Today I rededicated my life to Jesus. How cool!!!

I have been apathetic and confused in my faith. Not knowing where I stand on social issues and allowing that to halt me from pursing Christ.

I cared more about how people felt towards me than I did about their spiritual well being. I was a spiritual and social chameleon; making jokes about partying and alcohol, viewing sex as casual, allowing myself and others to live in obvious sin with no desire to change, etc.

I want consistency, not the roller coaster life with exaggerated high's and low's.

I want to live in a way that is pleasing to Christ. I want to know the balance of calling people out on their sin versus showing them compassion and love. I want to know what doctrine is truth. I WANT TRUTH. Is that Faith Family? Is that the Ransom? Is that Life Church? Or Jon Lane's church? And will I be damned to hell because of false doctrine because I choose the wrong one? I want clarity, discernment, and direction. Lord, guide me.

I'm not really sure..

But yeah, I look forward to turning back to Christ and learning to rely on Him day in and day out. With the good and the bad. The stressful and the blissful. I want to give thanks regardless of the circumstance or my current feelings.

Thank you Jesus for being at work today.

change

Nick and I broke up- surprise!

I had been hopeful for a fulfilling relationship. I wanted the ease, laughter, pursing Christ together and that never came. Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean he is a bad person, he just isn't the person that the Lord has picked for my life and that's okay!

I am thankful for the relationship because it caused me to reflect on what I really want. Here's what I came away with...

I want a family.
I want security.
I want a comforter.
I want laughter.
I want adventure.
I want simple and effortless (to an extent, of course).

My list makes me chuckle because every one of those desires should be found in and through Christ. They are a byproduct of surrendering my life fully to Him. Wow.. I need to allow God to romance my heart. I am considering committing a full year of no dating. Starting May 16, 2017 through May 16, 2017 in an effort to recenter my priorities where they should lie. We'll see how this goes.

I look forward to seeing how the Lord is going to use me in this season, it's just a matter or surrendering and being willing.

relationships

UGH UGH UGH

I feel overwhelmed.
It's not even just a mental feeling, but a physical weight on my chest.
I can't take a full breath.

I know it's Satan. I know that I am being fed lies, yet I sit here believing them. I feel inadequate, unattractive, confused, and like I'm falling short.

Those are all related to the Nick situation.

I have hardly seen my two best friends because I seem to always be doing homework or around Nick. Not even outside of the cafeteria, but we're always in proximity to one another and I want space. But then I don't want space.

The mafia situation was disappointing but so petty at the same time. I sat there feeling lonely. I want the relationship to progress but I am also so hesitant.

I feel bad because I have noticed an internal change when I am around him and I don't know if that is correlated outwardly. I don't know what I want.

subtle

I'm back.

An interesting title for a blog post, am I right?!

My emotions seem to be in a flurry and "suttle" was the only thing that seemed to sum them up.

Anticipation. Regret. Contentment. Anxiety. Fear. Giddiness.

Such a weird combination of things that fill my mind.

I overthink. I get my hopes up. I over evaluate. I rely on myself.

God, forgive me for doing things by my own strength.

The song "Nothing Without You" by Will Reagan has really been my anthem lately.

Frankly, RAing is difficult. Trying to navigate romantic feelings is tough. Nursing school is a beast of a task. I long for simplicity, but life isn't simple. I can't force God's hand or rush him.

Lord, thank you for teaching me patience. **I smirk as I say this so that maybe Christ will get the hint that I am tired of waiting.**

My heart is invested in Grand Island right now which brings in a whole swell of emotions.

I care for the girls and long for them to know Jesus.

Sometimes I doubt that I am doing enough. Am I talking openly about my faith? Am I inviting them to ministry events? I hope to work on that.

I compare myself to Allison, but I need to be reminded that we each bring different gifts and talents to the table. One does not do the job better than the other, we just do it differently.

I am thankful for this little corner of the internet. Just my thoughts and me. :)

I am ready for a period of being refreshed or just relieved from my thoughts. How do I do escape my own thoughts? I don't know...

Not that my thoughts are negative or depressed, they are just heavy. They are busy and scattered. Maybe it's ADHD. I couldn't say.

God has blessed me with so many great people this year. People that speak life and bring joy. People that talk about Jesus and are passionate to share his love. People that care about me; my hurts and my praises. They are present and I am thankful. Go God!

I think this'll do for now. Duces.

P.s. This is a picture of me doing the splits!!! I had NO CLUE that this was possible. Just casually dropped into the splits last September and this happened. Minor detail: I pulled my hamstring in doing this. Worth it!

reflections on yesterday

Yesterday was rough, as made apparent by my previous post. I want to delete the post but I have to acknowledge that that is how I felt and what I thought, so it'll stay up.

I'm learning that maybe I shouldn't write when I am uber stress and have a raging headache, but you got a picture into my thoughts when I'm upset, so you're welcome.

Reasons today has been much better:

-The perspective student that I hosted was great, and I think she really enjoyed her stay! She rolled with all of the jokes I made about bowel movements which was cool.

-I didn't have to take a math test again, which eliminates the possibility of failing another test if I didn't have to take one- go team!

-I get to go home tonight for spring break and see my family and cats- double yay!

-The sky was pelting weird rain drops/hail chunks at me and it made me laugh because even the sky is confused.

-I get a gift card for hosting the prospective student which I totally didn't know about but is a major bonus!

-I am planning a trip for spring break to Nebraska!!!!

Guys, I am claiming today as an awesome day. I will choose joy. I also briefly talked to my mom yesterday about my discombobulated spiritual life and I felt quite a bit better after our phone call. Faith isn't a feeling, but a daily decision! Cool beans!

Well thanks again for stopping by, that is if anyone has stopped by. Is it bad to hope that no one reads my posts? I think I like the secrecy of it.

Thanks for reading, comrades.

Here's a picture of a random mule. 

the bad days

Today has been a long day plum full of frustration, confusion, and wondering.

The sun is shining, so why is my heart sad? The birds are out filling the trees, so why do tears still line my eyes? I am tired and worn. I feel fake. I wear a mask of togetherness and joy, but inside I am beaten down.

I want to pray but what am I praying to? I think I believe that God exists, he has to. Who else would paint the sunsets every night and let the intricate snow flakes fall peacefully from the sky? While I know all of that, I can't help but struggle with the difficulty of faith. I don't know how to believe, how to have faith, or how to trust. I feel like I fail God and that He sees right through me, yet I don't know how to change myself.

My own words confuse me, but they are how I feel. I am truly hoping this is just a phase caused by a lack of sunlight.
   
On a positive note, I bought chocolate and Vitamin D capsules.

Please say a prayer for me. I just want life to slow down. I want to cherish the moments rather than floating through them. God, I need your help.

Thanks for listening to my rant, friends. Peace.

Here's a favorite picture from my recent trip to Jamaica. A beautiful piece of creation to make my heart smile.