reflections on yesterday

Yesterday was rough, as made apparent by my previous post. I want to delete the post but I have to acknowledge that that is how I felt and what I thought, so it'll stay up.

I'm learning that maybe I shouldn't write when I am uber stress and have a raging headache, but you got a picture into my thoughts when I'm upset, so you're welcome.

Reasons today has been much better:

-The perspective student that I hosted was great, and I think she really enjoyed her stay! She rolled with all of the jokes I made about bowel movements which was cool.

-I didn't have to take a math test again, which eliminates the possibility of failing another test if I didn't have to take one- go team!

-I get to go home tonight for spring break and see my family and cats- double yay!

-The sky was pelting weird rain drops/hail chunks at me and it made me laugh because even the sky is confused.

-I get a gift card for hosting the prospective student which I totally didn't know about but is a major bonus!

-I am planning a trip for spring break to Nebraska!!!!

Guys, I am claiming today as an awesome day. I will choose joy. I also briefly talked to my mom yesterday about my discombobulated spiritual life and I felt quite a bit better after our phone call. Faith isn't a feeling, but a daily decision! Cool beans!

Well thanks again for stopping by, that is if anyone has stopped by. Is it bad to hope that no one reads my posts? I think I like the secrecy of it.

Thanks for reading, comrades.

Here's a picture of a random mule. 

the bad days

Today has been a long day plum full of frustration, confusion, and wondering.

The sun is shining, so why is my heart sad? The birds are out filling the trees, so why do tears still line my eyes? I am tired and worn. I feel fake. I wear a mask of togetherness and joy, but inside I am beaten down.

I want to pray but what am I praying to? I think I believe that God exists, he has to. Who else would paint the sunsets every night and let the intricate snow flakes fall peacefully from the sky? While I know all of that, I can't help but struggle with the difficulty of faith. I don't know how to believe, how to have faith, or how to trust. I feel like I fail God and that He sees right through me, yet I don't know how to change myself.

My own words confuse me, but they are how I feel. I am truly hoping this is just a phase caused by a lack of sunlight.
   
On a positive note, I bought chocolate and Vitamin D capsules.

Please say a prayer for me. I just want life to slow down. I want to cherish the moments rather than floating through them. God, I need your help.

Thanks for listening to my rant, friends. Peace.

Here's a favorite picture from my recent trip to Jamaica. A beautiful piece of creation to make my heart smile.